If someone close to you is getting a divorce, knowing what to say and what not to say can make all the difference.
Divorce is not just a legal separation; it’s an emotional shift, often layered with grief, confusion, relief, and anxiety.
As a friend or family member, your words carry weight.
This guide gives you 10 do’s and 10 don’ts grounded in verbal communication and psychology expertise, so you can genuinely support your loved one during this difficult time. If you want clarity without fluff, and you’re here for real guidance, read on.
10 Do’s: What to Say to Someone Getting a Divorce
1. “I’m here for you—no pressure to talk, just know I care.”
This gives your friend space while also reassuring them that they’re not alone. Divorce can make people feel ashamed or like a burden. This simple sentence offers emotional support without pushing them.
2. “You’re not failing. This is just life shifting.”
Many people internalize divorce as personal failure. Reframing it as change rather than collapse helps preserve their self-worth. It validates their experience while opening a window toward healing.
3. “You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.”
Sometimes, a person undergoing divorce feels like they must justify their decision. As a good friend, offering unconditional support reminds them that they don’t owe anyone a story or defense.
4. “Whatever you feel right now is totally valid.”
Whether it’s anger, relief, grief, or confusion—those emotions are real. Acknowledging this helps the person feel seen and heard without being judged or advised.
5. “I admire your strength for facing something this big.”
This simple statement builds their confidence and helps shift the focus from loss to resilience. People going through a tough time often underestimate their own bravery.
6. “You’re allowed to feel broken—and still be healing.”
Psychologically, holding two truths at once (pain and hope) is powerful. This helps them see that healing isn’t linear, and that it’s okay to not be okay for a while.
7. “Do you want to talk about it, or would distraction help today?”
This gives them control over the interaction. Some days, emotional processing helps. Other days, just laughing or eating ice cream is better.
8. “You’re not alone, even if it feels like it right now.”
Divorce can cause social withdrawal and shame. This gentle reminder lets them know your support is ongoing—even in silence.
9. “Whatever you need—whether it’s talking, errands, or nothing—I’ve got you.”
Offering specific kinds of help, not vague offers, can make support actionable. People often struggle to ask for what they need.
10. “This sucks. And I’m sorry you’re going through it.”
Sometimes, blunt honesty validates the awfulness better than silver linings. Just acknowledging the pain can offer more comfort than trying to fix it.
10 Don’ts: What Not to Say to Someone Getting a Divorce
1. “I never liked your spouse anyway.”
Even if true, now is not the time. It might feel like support, but it can add guilt or complicate emotions. Let them share their views first.
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This phrase, though well-meaning, can sound dismissive. It tries to force meaning on their pain before they’re ready. Sometimes life is just hard—and that’s enough for now.
3. “At least you’re free now!”
Even if they initiated the divorce, that doesn’t erase the grief or the years invested. Avoid making assumptions about their emotional state.
4. “I saw this coming.”
Statements like this don’t help—they only bring judgment or shame. Your friend or family member doesn’t need hindsight commentary; they need support.
5. “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone better.”
This makes it sound like they’re replaceable or that healing only comes through a new relationship. Let them rediscover themselves first.
6. “What exactly happened?”
Don’t dig for gossip. Let them open up on their terms. If they don’t want to share, respect their boundaries. Curiosity should never trump compassion.
7. “My cousin’s friend went through the same thing…”
Avoid turning their pain into a comparison game. Each divorce is unique. Focus on listening, not storytelling.
8. “You’ll be fine. Just stay strong.”
Toxic positivity can shut people down. Instead, say things like, “You’re doing the best you can,” which feels more human and less demanding.
9. “I wouldn’t have done it that way.”
This judgmental tone can destroy trust. Avoid moral or logistical critiques. They’re already second-guessing themselves. Your role is support, not strategy.
10. “Time heals everything.”
While partly true, this phrase can sound passive and distant. Healing isn’t just about time—it’s about active support, self-work, and sometimes therapy.
Why Words Matter During Divorce?
Divorce is one of the most stressful life events, often ranked just after the death of a spouse in psychological impact (Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, 1967). For the person undergoing this change, words from good friends can either offer comfort or add to their emotional burden.
Communication at this stage is not about advice, but it’s about connection. Showing your support through emotionally intelligent language can help them feel less isolated and more emotionally supported.
You don’t need perfect words; you need real ones spoken with presence and care.
What Studies Say About Support During Divorce
According to a 2020 study from the University of Michigan, people going through divorce who received non-judgmental social support reported higher emotional recovery and lower risk of depression after 6 months. The same study highlights that active listening, not advice-giving, was the biggest contributor to positive adjustment.
Psychology Behind Saying the Right Thing
As a communication and psychology expert would note, people going through a divorce are often juggling shattered expectations, identity shifts, and social changes. What helps most isn’t advice—it’s being emotionally available, non-judgmental, and present.
Research from Dr. Kristin Neff on self-compassion shows that offering kind and validating language to ourselves or others can regulate stress and improve emotional resilience. When supporting someone else, speaking kindly can also become a mirror for their own healing process.
10 Supportive Phrases You Can Actually Use
Here are examples of what you can say when someone is getting divorced. These are emotionally safe, non-judgmental, and kind.
| Situation | Supportive Phrase |
|---|---|
| Initial news | “That must be incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry.” |
| You don’t know what to say | “I may not have the right words, but I’m here for you.” |
| When they’re emotional | “Whatever you’re feeling right now—it’s valid.” |
| To lighten the mood | “Want to grab pizza and just talk about nothing?” |
| They feel lost | “You’re still you—strong, kind, and full of worth.” |
| Kids involved | “I know you’re doing your best for them. That says everything.” |
| They miss the ex | “It’s okay to miss them, even if it wasn’t working.” |
| Feeling judged | “I’d never judge you. This is your life and your healing.” |
| During legal process | “If you need a ride to court or just someone to vent to, I’m around.” |
| On future hopes | “There’s life after this—and you’ll find your way through it.” |
Phrases You Should Avoid (Even If You Mean Well)
Here’s a quick table of common phrases that hurt more than help:
| Phrase | Why It’s Harmful |
|---|---|
| “At least you’re not stuck anymore.” | Minimizes their pain |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | Sounds dismissive during grief |
| “You’ll find someone better.” | Not helpful in the moment |
| “I saw this coming.” | Adds shame or judgment |
| “You should be happy now.” | Adds pressure to feel okay |
Final Thoughts: Be Human, Not Perfect
You don’t have to say the perfect thing. In fact, silence paired with presence is more powerful than rehearsed lines. Whether you’re a friend or family member, your role is to lighten the emotional load, not to solve their problems. Divorce is messy, personal, and deeply emotional. But your kindness? It helps carry them through.
When in doubt, lead with empathy. Offer comfort. Be a safe space. That’s what truly matters.